Fair Warning: I’m Rocking the Boat


I started this website 8 years ago with one simple intention: to educate those interested in pursuing surrogacy on the process. I wanted to be kind, uplifting, and honest.

But I have to admit it; I’ve done a lot of sugar-coating.

Maybe it’s my nature – I am obnoxiously positive. I love finding the good in any situation, and am great at turning problems into opportunities. I am not fond of judging others, and, if I’m being honest here, I’m really not fond of others judging me.  I prefer to fly under the radar with any of my opinions that are controversial; I hate rocking the boat.

But I’m also a realist. And sugar coating a subject as complicated as surrogacy in an effort to avoid negative comments from those who will disagree with me is not the best service I can be offering those new to this community.

And restraining myself from offering experienced opinions on issues that affect this industry in the desire to remain unblemished is selfish.


So consider this your fair warning: it’s about to get real here.

Don’t get me wrong – all of the information on this website is true, and if you’d like to think that all journeys are sunshine and rainbows, it will serve you well. But let’s be real. Most journeys are not sunshine and rainbows.  Most are messy rollercoasters filled with breathtakingly awesome highs, and terrifyingly depressive lows.  And it’s really important to understand that this is TOTALLY normal.

Nothing is quick, nothing is easy, transfers fail, people let you down, attorneys move at a snail’s pace, clinics make unreasonable demands, and hearts get broken.

Sometimes even crazy things happen – like agencies or escrow services run off with the money, surrogates try to keep a baby, or, more commonly, intended parents leave the surrogate with unpaid medical bills or even with the baby itself.


So in the days and weeks to come, I’m going to bring them to you. I’m going through and editing all the pages on Information on Surrogacy to cut down on some of the extra sweetener. Some pages, I might even offer a dash of salt, just to keep us all on our toes.

And expect to see some rather opinionated posts from me going forward. Like, when a surrogate gets national attention for deciding she has the right to keep the baby she is carrying for someone else because she does not agree with a decision the intended parents made – you better believe you’re going to hear from me about how totally wrong she is.

And when there’s big talk about regulating the industry in order to protect those pursing surrogacy – I’m going to share with you the harsh truth on why having politicians make decisions on subjects they have no experience with, benefits no one but the lawyers – who will be making a lot of extra money.

My loyalty is to you, my readers, and my goal is to bring you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.


Consider this your fair warning: it’s about to get real in here.  I’m rocking the boat. Get your rotten veggies ready to throw. It might just end up hitting the fan.

Ok, now that we’ve discussed the new direction of this site, let’s talk about some of the great changes I’ve made to make your life better –

First, we have a BRAND NEW Classified Ads board! Here you can browse for a surrogate, intended parent, or agency, or place your own ad. Totally free:

Information on Surrogacy Classified Ads

And second, we have a BRAND NEW Facebook Group! Connect with others involved in surrogacy in a drama-free zone.

Surrogacy Connections Facebook Group 


I want to be a surrogate but have never been pregnant?

Surrogacy-Quote-51by Ashleigh

It started out when my sister started having trouble getting pregnant. I told her that if it came down to it, I would be a surrogate for her. And I’ve always wanted to be a surrogate- to help families who can’t have children on their own. But everything I read says a surrogate has to have been pregnant before, and I haven’t. Is that the only option? What if my sister wanted me specifically to be her surrogate? I don’t think it’s fair when I know I want to do this, but a stupid issue of me having never been pregnant is stopping that. Mostly I want to know if doing it for my sister is an exception.

Reply by Rayven
The short answer to your question is yes, they would probably (though not definitely) make an exception for sisters.

However, coming from someone experienced in surrogacy, I would never under any circumstances recommend it. I personally feel that it is an incredible (and unnecessary) risk.

Why? First, anything can happen in surrogacy. It is not uncommon for a surrogate mother to go through complications that make it impossible for her to ever have more children. If you have not completed your own family, then you may be looking at getting a surrogate yourself down the road.

And think about it. How would your sister feel if while attempting to help her, you lost the ability to ever have a child of your own?

Then there is the fact that this entire process is extremely expensive, and as you have not had children of your own, you could be facing fertility issues yourself. There is no way to know until you go through the process.

Think about this. How would YOU feel if your sister spend tens of thousands of dollars, or more, attempting to have you carry for her, only to find out that you, yourself were incapable? And what if she was financially unable to find another surrogate to do it again?

And then there is the fact that you really have absolutely no clue how you will feel about the baby once it is born. There have been situations where a sister has carried for her sister or brother and decided to keep the baby instead. It destroys a family.

These are just a few of the concerns. For these reasons, a surrogacy agency and most IVF clinics will not accept women who have not had successful prior pregnancies as surrogates. Because you are not going through an agency, its not quite the same, which leaves you room to stretch the rules.

I personally would absolutely never consider it. You need to complete your own family first.

Can I be pregnant for my baby and a surrogate baby at the same time?

Surrogacy-Quote-85Hello, my cousin has asked me to be a surrogate for her. However, I’ve never had any children of my own and am wondering if it would be possible for me to have a multiple pregnancy (one from her egg and husbands sperm and one from my own egg and husband’s sperm). Thank you.

Reply by Rayven
You do not qualify to become a surrogate mother at this time. Period. What you are suggesting, if you could find a doctor to do it, would be a logistical nightmare.

First, the costs of going through two IVF retrievals and then the transfer would be very prohibitive. Who would pay for your treatment? Your cousin? Or you, who doesn’t need it? Are you willing to spend thousands of dollars out of your own pocket to get pregnant for your own child when you most likely can do it for free?

Next, what happens when the children are born? You’d have to wait for DNA testing to figure out which baby was your own.

Or worse, what happens if only one embryo takes? You’d have to wait for DNA testing after the baby was born to figure out who gets a baby and who does not. And again, who pays for all this? Say your child survived and your cousin’s did not. Does she pay the tens of thousands of dollars for surrogacy only to have you become a mother in the end?

And then there are the inherent risks of multiples. A lot can go wrong!

Which leads me back to the reasons why a woman who has never had her own children does not qualify to become a surrogate mother:

1. She runs the risk of losing her reproductive ability while helping someone else, causing her to never be able to have her own children. Not only must a woman have had her own children first to become a surrogate mother, she should be DONE having her own children, in case complications occur making it impossible for her to ever conceive again.

2. Especially in a situation like this with so much uncertainty, a woman who has never been pregnant and does not have her own children is not able to determine the emotions she will feel at birth.

3. A woman who has never had her own children has an unproven fertility history. She could have trouble conceiving, or simply be unable to conceive herself. Intended parents would spend tens of thousands of dollars to find this out.

No, this situation would absolutely not work. It would be expensive, and honestly, probably heartbreaking in the end. Wait until you have completed your family before becoming a surrogate for your cousin.

Best wishes!

Being a surrogate for my best friend and biological father…

Surrogacy-Quote-35by Beth
(Hagerstown, MD, USA)

My best friend (who is 10 yrs older than me) has been trying to have a baby for 4 yrs now with no success. She miscarried last year at about 8 weeks (if not a little earlier). She is now having female issues which will probably prevent her from carrying. My question is: Can I be her surrogate? This is the thing: she is married to my dad (my biological father). Weird I know. Is it possible for me to carry a child for my dad since we are blood related or would she have to get a sperm donor? I have 2 children already, and I am considering telling her I will carry for her. But, I want to get my ducks in a row before I approach the idea. Thanks.

Reply by Rayven


It is very common for one family member to carry a baby via surrogacy for another family member. Here’s how it would work:

Option A: Gestational Surrogacy
Your friend’s egg and your father’s sperm

Option B: Gestational Surrogacy
An egg donor’s egg and your father’s sperm

Option C: Traditional Surrogacy
Your egg and a sperm donor’s sperm

With the third option, you would be the biological mother of the child.

What you cannot do is have you be the biological mother and use your father’s sperm.

So as you can see, you do have a few choices with this. Best wishes!


Being a surrogate for my sister

Surrogacy-Quote-107by Stephanie

I am currently researching everything I can to see of being a gestational surrogate for my sister is something I can do. She has had 4 miscarriages in the past 2 years, this last one at 20 weeks. She cannot carry a baby to term. I have had two healthy boys and at first blush thought this is something I could do for them. However, after doing my due diligence it is a lot more involved than I ever imagined and A LOT more expensive. I have gone through your questions, a lot anyway, but they are all a little different from our situation. We live in Florida, so I know it is legal at least. Thank you for your site and your time. This is a HUGE decision and want to ensure we have all the answers we could possibly get. Thanks again. =)

  • Are there any possible long-term side effects to the medications I would have to take as the surrogate?
  • What can I except while on the medications?
  • What is the timeframe from first visit to a doctor to implantation?

What would the cost be, assuming my insurance would cover a surrogate pregnancy, and of there was no compensation or lawyers fees (I would not accept a dime and my father in law just so happens to be a lawyer)? So, it would be just the medical expenses for IVF and hopefully pregnancy/delivery).

Thank you again, so much.

Reply by Rayven

Your questions are prime examples of things I am unable to answer.

Your medical questions should be answered, in full, by your IVF clinic. I have no idea what the timing will be in your situation. I’ve had it take a couple weeks, I’ve had it take months and months. It depends on your clinic.

As far as if there are long-term side effects to your meds, yes, there can be. Again, specific interactions, side effects, and long-term results will need to be examined for each medication you are on, and will need to be discussed at length with your doctor.

What can you expect on medication? Expect to give yourself 1,2, or 3 shots every single day for months. Expect mood swings. Expect weight gain. Expect to hate it. But beyond that, I can only tell you to go over your protocol with your doctor. Each clinic gives different medications/combinations. And yes, there will be multiple medications, oral, injections, and usually vaginal suppositories.

And the costs? You’ll have to find out what your insurance pays for and will not pay for in a pregnancy. My son cost $5 from the time I was pregnant until my postpartum visit. I’ve had surrogacy journeys run around $6,000 with no complications. Check your policy.

And the clinic costs? Ask them. I do not know their rates. Check around with local clinics in your area. Find out the fees. Make sure you ask for estimates of the costs for medications as well.

If these are your only questions left about surrogacy, then you’ve really done your homework! And you’ve probably exhausted the resources of this website.

Best wishes on your journey!