should the traditional surrogate be allowed to hold the baby at birth?

Surrogacy-Quote-122by Tamara
(Reynoldsburg,Ohio, USA)

My husband and I have found our surrogate, a close family friend who is 6 months pregnant with her own child. My husband has a fascination with pregnant women. Already, he is all over her tummy trying to feel the baby move and listening for its heartbeat,while placing his head on her tummy.

This isnt even his/our baby that hes doing this to her with! I know I shouldnt be jealous, but I am, and it makes me very sad. Once she is pregnant with our child Im quite certain his behaviour will be much worse.

Even though she will be a traditional surrogate, is it wrong of me to request that she NOT hold the baby at birth? After all it will be MY baby and not for her…Im trying not to be greedy, jealous and sad in all of this, but its very hard.

I can not carry a baby and so my husband will never feel his child growing inside of me… never place his head to my tummy to listen for his childs heart…I know this is a major sacrifice for her..We have already discussed staying in contact and making her and her husband god parents..I just dont want her to bond with a baby that is ultimately intended to be MY child. Is that wrong of me? How do I handle this??

Reply by Rayven

It sounds as if you have quite a few issues going on here, the least of which is the fear of your traditional surrogate mother holding the baby when he is born.

First, lets talk about the jealousy. Jealousy is one of the “unspoken” issues of surrogacy, but contributes the biggest to surrogacy arrangements that turn into nightmares. Being jealous of the fact that your surrogate mother is able to carry your baby is natural, but you need to examine your jealousy and find ways to manage it now, before you start your journey.

And if your husband’s actions are making you uncomfortable, now is the time to talk with him about them. It is extremely important that you communicate with one another and reach an understanding. If needed, seek the advice of a counselor.

Failing to acknowledge and deal with issues of jealousy before the surrogacy begins will almost certainly result in a bad journey, filled with accusations and hurt feelings. And more importantly, in your situation, it can permanently destroy a friendship.

Your comments about your surrogate holding the baby confuse me. Most surrogacy arrangements happen between intended parents and surrogate mothers who are virtual strangers. They meet for the purpose of bringing a baby into the world, and though they may part as friends, they didn’t start out that way.

Often, intended mothers ask if they should “let” the surrogate hold the baby, concerned about bonding issues. If your surrogate mother was going to bond with the baby, it would most likely have been done long before the birth. Most surrogate mothers like to have a chance to see that the baby is OK, and to say good bye. There is absolutely no reason why you would not want the surrogate mother to hold the baby.

She shouldn’t be the first person to do so, however. You and your husband should.

The reason your question on the surrogate holding the baby confuses me is because you have stated that your surrogate is a close friend, and you plan on making her a god-parent. It seems odd to me that you would be concerned over her bonding with her own god-child. She should bond with the baby. That’s a good thing!

Nearly every surrogate mother has the opportunity to hold the baby. You’ve trusted her to carry your child for 9 months. You can trust her to hold that child in her arms.

Posted in Ask a Surrogate.