My husband is not supportive of surrogacy…should I do it anyways?

by Katie
(Ft Worth, TX)

I don’t think he really thinks I will go through with it; becoming a surrogate mother. I’ve been talking about surrogacy for about six months now, and he seemed really nonchalant about it, like he didn’t object. So now that it is time for me to actually find intended parents, now he is saying he doesn’t think this is such a good idea!

The thing is, I really want to do this! I don’t care what he thinks; its not his body! I have so much love to give and I want so badly to help another family like this!

He has made it clear in no uncertain terms that he is now totally against this (WHY couldn’t he have told me at the beginning!)and won’t support me in any way.

What should I do? I really want to just do it without him and say “who cares” but I’m having second thoughts.

What do you think??

Reply by Rayven:

Katie,

I respect that you want to become a surrogate mother, and I think it is very generous of you to desire to do this. But…

You absolutely, positively, need your husband behind you 100%. This is nonnegotiable.

The very last thing you want to do is to ruin your own marriage by trying to help someone else. And don’t think for a moment that that cannot happen. It does.

Infertility can destroy a marriage. Someone else’s infertility can destroy yours.

Surrogacy is a long, exhausting, emotional, and costly road. In addition to being a normal, hormonally pregnant woman, you will be adding another couple, and their thoughts and feelings, to the mix.

You will go through more with this pregnancy than you did with your own. You will most likely have shots (unless traditional, in which case it is even MORE important for your husband to be on board)that he needs to give to you. You will have travel arrangements, bedrest, extra procedures such as amniocentesis. And what happens if you are pregnant with twins or triplets? You will need to heavily rely on him for support.

The stress that this would cause you while pregnant could endanger the baby. And could tear your family apart.

Do you really want to deal with the “I-told-you-sos” that will happen? Women who become surrogates against their family’s wishes often report that they are not given the considerations they had while pregnant with their own. For example, if they are exhausted while carrying twins in the third trimester, family members sneer and say things like “you did this to yourself” or “you’re the one who wanted to become pregnant”.

If I didn’t have my husband behind me, I never would have been able to be a surrogate. He did SO much. He gave me my shots, he took vacation at work to watch our kids while I went to Vegas for the transfer, and his second vacation during my delivery. He cooked on nights when I couldn’t. He left work at the drop of a hat when I needed to go to the doctors unexpectedly. He got up early to get the kids off to school when I was too tired.

Our journeys would have been so difficult if he wasn’t there, supportive.

Don’t do it unless he is with you. But spend the next few weeks, and months, showing him that you are indeed serious. Find out his concerns, the reasoning behind why he feels you shouldn’t become a surrogate.

Is it because he is concerned with your safety? Is it because he thinks its all a little weird? Does he not understand how exactly it will all work?

Go through his issues rationally, and he might come around. Sometimes all it takes is a little patience and time.

One final thought. You may believe that you are being kind, giving, and unselfish to desire to become a surrogate mother for someone else, but if you go through with this without your husband’s support and agreement, you are actually being selfish. You would be putting your desire above your marriage.

Give it time. Hopefully he will come around.

Best wishes!

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