Is there a difference in the maternal bond? My husband and I want children but I don’t want to go thru pregnancies. The whole idea and thought of being pregnant scares me and horrified me. I suggested gestational surrogacy to him but he doesn’t want to because he feels he won’t have the same feelings toward the child as opposed to it coming out of me. I’m kinda scared I won’t love the child as much too. Is this a valid concern?
Reply by Rayven
What you are suggesting is illegal in many states that allow surrogacy. In these states, the intended mother must have a documented medical need for a surrogate mother.
It would also be extremely difficult to find a surrogate mother WILLING to assist you. There are so many intended parents out there who actually need a surrogate, not desire one for vanity reasons. To become a surrogate mother for a woman who does not need one, when there are thousands of parents desperate for a surrogate’s help, does not sit well with most surrogates, who see surrogacy as a gift from the heart.
As to your question, there is so much physically, emotionally, and financially that a set of intended parents goes through in order to become parents through surrogacy, that once you really start to research the process, you will most likely find that surrogacy is really not an option in your situation.
You cite fear as your reason for involving a surrogate.
For me, a $100,000 price tag would horrify me! Surrogacy is expensive. Though most intended parents do manage to have a child for less than this, it can take years, multiple cycles, and even multiple surrogates and contracts to get there. Lawyers, agencies, clinics, surrogate fees, travel, IVF medications, medical expenses. It adds up….FAST!
And physically, are you prepared to give yourself daily shots in order to prepare your body for the egg retrieval? How about the surgical procedure itself, which involves a very large needle, and a good deal of discomfort? Personally, I’d rather be pregnant.
And then, yes, there is a huge emotional aspect to surrogacy. The women who choose surrogacy do not do so on a whim, or because they are scared of life. They do it as a last resort, after years and years of infertility. Coming to terms, emotionally, with the fact that you will not be able to feel your baby move, to experience all the ups-and-downs of pregnancy, to know what it’s like to carry your own child….that is not an easy thing to do. These women are finally able to make peace with that in the understanding that the only way they will be able to hold their child is via surrogacy. Without that strife, I think it would be devastating emotionally.
And yes, if he thinks he will have trouble with it, and if you are wondering if you will love that child as much, then yes, absolutely, this should be a concern. Most intended parents don’t even question this, but again, most intended parents arrive at surrogacy as a last resort, not as an avoidance of life.
Bottom line, you can’t just order a baby because you’re scared. That is probably the worst reason on earth to find a surrogate, worse even than the few who look into surrogacy because they don’t want to get fat.
Why? Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you haven’t even begun to feel fear yet, not until you actually become a parent, and worry about your child. Parenting is a million times harder than pregnancy. My oldest turns 13 in the next year. You wanna talk horrified?
Your best bet is to seek professional counseling for your fears, and put the idea of surrogacy behind you, permanently.