by Cristina
(Phoenix,AZ)

I know a couple who are amazingly great and great friends they cannot have children and I believe she still produces eggs but not sure. If she does and i wanted to become their surrogate what is the figure they would be looking into i have insurance no co-pays and would do it for free i need to know the estimated price on just paying the clinic to get her eggs and his sperm for me to be a oven.

Reply by Rayven

Cristina,

There is no “set cost” for surrogacy. It is very difficult to estimate prices because each individual situation has many different cost affecting prices. Certainly your situation would cost less than many others.

From a typical surrogacy, you are able to subtract the surrogate’s compensation (what a wonderful gift for a friend!) as well as agency fees and many insurance related expenses (though you still need to check your policy to verify that it does indeed allow surrogacy; many appear to do so but specifically exclude it.)

Fees your intended parents would still be responsible for:

-Clinic fees, IVF transfer, egg retrieval, medications, and travel expenses

-Any medical expenses your policy does not include

-Incidentals from pregnancy, possibly maternity clothing, maybe making up your husband’s lost
wages if he misses work for something surrogacy related, etc

-Lawyer fees for drawing up a contract (YES! You still need a contract!) and getting birth paperwork in order

An estimate? Figure on at least $25,000, up to (or even exceeding) $50,000. The cost will go up with any failed transfers you might have. Does this mean that it will positively cost at least $25,000? No, but it’s a good place to start.

Hope this helps!

by mike n kate
(cheshire)

hello everyone

where is the best to find a surrogate mum,as me and my girlfriend are new to the surrogacy thing any help is more then welcome

kindregard mike n kate x

Reply by Rayven

The best place to go for information on finding your perfect surrogate mother is the Matching section on this website, Information on Surrogacy:

Matching: Finding a Surrogate Mother

Best wishes!

by Robert
(Valencia CA. USA)

Hello,

My wife keeps talking to me about wanting to be a surrogate mom. I don’t know how to reply. I don’t know what to say. Just a brief history on our family. My name is Robert, I am happily married to my wife and we have two kids. (They are actually my step kids) we have been married for 1 year and 4 months. The questions that keep going through my mind are-

1. What happens if their is a complication to the pregnancy?
2. What happens if my wife gets really sick or death takes toll due to this procedure?
3. How should I feel about this since she wants to have a baby for someone before we have a baby together?
4. What are our 2 children going to think (ages 2 & 5)when she is pregnant one day and not the next, and not bringing home a baby?
5. What do I say to people when they come up to us and say congratulations? Do I say thanks but its not mine?
6.How do I deal with knowing she is pregnant and not coming home with my baby?
7. Is my wife going to be attached to this baby? Is she not going to want to give it up? Is she going to go through psychological issues due to this?
8. Am I going to be attached to this baby and am I going to deal with psychological issues.
9. Are our children going to be attached to the baby and are they going to deal with psychological issues?
10. Do I have any say in this at all?
11. Should she be able to do what she wants or should she listen to what I have to say about my worries?

Please answer my questions. Please help me understand.

Thank you,

Robert

Reply by Rayven

Thank you so much for asking these terrific questions, Robert. So often, the surrogacy community hears from women who want to become surrogate mothers, but whose husband does not want them to. We hardly ever hear the actual concerns of the husbands, and often guess! It is so refreshing to see a spouse who has taken the time to do some research and comes to a conclusion that way!

I’m going to answer your questions as they are asked below. Great questions!

1. What happens if their is a complication to the pregnancy?

Answer
Complications do happen in pregnancy, and that is one of the risks a woman who decides to become a surrogate mother takes. The most likely complications, though rare, would regard your wife’s ability to carry future pregnancies.

2. What happens if my wife gets really sick or death takes toll due to this procedure?

Answer
This was actually my own mother’s biggest concern with my decision to become a surrogate (my husband didn’t think of it.)

Every pregnancy comes with risks. But death is extremely rare in this day and age in America. I said “extremely rare”, not impossible. Most surrogacy contracts do provide for a life insurance policy for the surrogate.

But ask yourself this: would you be concerned with her death if she was pregnant with your child? Would you lose sleep over it, or be happy and excited? Today, pregnancy is not something to be worried about in this way.

3. How should I feel about this since she wants to have a baby for someone before we have a baby together?

Answer
I am a huge proponent of a woman completing her own family FIRST before considering surrogacy. Other people differ in their opinion of this.

Personally, I would not have become a surrogate mother if I wanted more children. Complications CAN happen. If, worst case scenario, she were to lose her uterus, for example, then she would be unable to have any more children, and may have to turn towards a surrogate mother herself to complete your family. I’ve seen it happen.

4. What are our 2 children going to think (ages 2 & 5)when she is pregnant one day and not the next, and not bringing home a baby?

Answer
Kids are a lot more understanding that you would think. My own were 4 & 6 when we first started in surrogacy. I really thought it would be difficult to explain everything to them, but honestly, they understood the situation better than most adults.

The kids will be fine. Just tell them that the baby is a friend’s.

5. What do I say to people when they come up to us and say congratulations? Do I say thanks but its not mine?

Answer
My husband has a warped sense of humor. This was his favorite part of surrogacy! He loved saying “What do I care- they’re not mine.” He’d say this deadpan, then just walk off and let me explain! It was a fun game for him.

But seriously, you tell them whatever you want. If it’s a total stranger and you don’t want to get into it, just say “thanks” and leave it at that. If it is someone you will be seeing on a regular basis who will wonder what happened to the baby, a short “my wife is a surrogate” is appropriate.

6.How do I deal with knowing she is pregnant and not coming home with my baby?

Answer
Not everyone is cut out for surrogacy, and a journey is not made by a woman alone. Her husband and family MUST be 100% on board and supportive. This issue is one that you will need to work out with her, in advance of looking for intended parents to work with.

Be open and honest with your wife about your feelings. Talk to her about your concerns, and go from there.

7. Is my wife going to be attached to this baby? Is she not going to want to give it up? Is she going to go through psychological issues due to this?

Answer
I don’t know her; each woman is different. Most of the women who want to become a surrogate know in their hearts that they will not become attached to the baby. I wasn’t. Most are much more attached to the intended parents.

But many surrogates do grieve after the delivery of the baby in their own way. This is normal and usually passes rather quickly.

As to if she wants to give up the baby, if she is going to be a gestational surrogate mother, she will not have a legal choice to keep the baby.

8. Am I going to be attached to this baby and am I going to deal with psychological issues.

Answer
That’s something only you will be able to answer. If you feel like this would be difficult for you, then you need to be very clear and explain this to your wife. Again, surrogacy is a journey between two families, not between a woman and intended parents.

If you feel that you will have trouble with the birth of the baby, then your wife should probably not become a surrogate mother.

9. Are our children going to be attached to the baby and are they going to deal with psychological issues?

Answer
Probably not. The baby is not real to the kids, especially at their young age. If you tell them the baby is going home with his parents from the beginning, they will accept this and won’t have any sort of problems.

10. Do I have any say in this at all?

Answer
YES! You absolutely have a say in all this! You need to make your thoughts and feelings clear to your wife.

I’ve said it once and I will say it again: It is not worth risking your marriage to help someone else. Period. It just doesn’t make sense.

11. Should she be able to do what she wants or should she listen to what I have to say about my worries?

Answer
A marriage is about communication, compromise, and journeying through life together. Surrogacy is a very difficult physical and emotional whirlwind, for BOTH families.

She needs to listen to you, and together you need to come to a decision about surrogacy, whether to do it now, wait until you are done having your own family, or not do it at all.

hi i am 30 years old, i am a 2 1/2 year survivor of ovarian cancer, it all happened suddenly just a year after i was married, we had no idea until my surgery was underway (they thought i had endometreosis) so i had no time to save eggs, or really even think of it! i so want a child very soon , i am trying the adoption way but its very long and i will never know if i will have a baby! i really want a child with all my heart but i am so confused, how do i find a surrogate? and how would we begin, if its what we want to do?

Reply by Rayven

There are six main steps to take in order to start a surrogacy journey. They are:

1. Research
2. Support
3. Matching
4. Clinic/Lawyer
5. Testing
6. Pregnancy

The most important step is number 1, Research. That is what this site here is to help you with.

Surrogacy Getting Started Guide

This page, the Getting Started Guide, goes over the six steps and helps you find the information you need to get started.

Best wishes.

by Taylor
(Texas)

I am becoming a gestational surrogate for my sister within the next few months. Since the egg will already be fertilized when it is implanted, will my pregnancy be more advanced than a traditional pregnancy? Will I feel the symptoms of pregnancy quicker than a tradition pregnancy? Will my pregnancy last as long as a traditional pregnancy?

Thanks!

Reply by Rayven

These are really great questions! Actually, the pregnancy will be slightly shorter, but will seem longer. Let me explain.

The 40 weeks of pregnancy are calculated by your last menstrual cycle. The start of that cycle is considered your first day of pregnancy, though a typical woman gets pregnant about 10 days later. With IVF, you will have 3-5 day old embryos transferred into your uterus, so technically your pregnancy would be 3-5 days shorter.

But, most women don’t know they are pregnant for at least another month. Since you are going through IVF, not only do you know the exact date you “got” pregnant, you know your due date in advance. You’re aware of that much sooner than a typical pregnancy, so it lasts longer!

As far as feeling any symptoms, its easy for the mind to tell you the body is pregnant when you go through a transfer. You’ll feel fluttering, some cramping, and you’ll not know exactly what it means. Luckily, you only have to wait two weeks from the time of the transfer to the time of the Beta test, which is where they will draw blood twice, two days apart, to verify if you are pregnant or not.

The whole transfer/beta test two week wait can be agonizingly slow (again, the mind somehow slows down time!) but really, when compared to a typical pregnancy, it goes by very fast!

Best wishes!