by Kelly Donaldson
(Ontario, Canada)

After 3 IUI and 2 IVF’s the doctor says it is surrogacy time now. We have been married for 10 years and we have always wanted children. Sadly, it has not happened. We have so much love to give.
Where do we find a gestational surrogate please?

Reply from Rayven:
Kelly,

It will all work out in the end, and you will find you surrogate.

Before you get started looking though, make sure you have done all the research about surrogacy that you need to do. If you haven’t had a chance yet, make sure to look over the following sections:

Matching

Compensation

Legal and Insurance

Now, onto finding your match!

There are several ways to do this. First, put the word out among family and friends if you are comfortable with this, asking if they know of anyone. You’d be surprised how often this works! Often, someone knows someone who knows someone looking to become a surrogate, and since this is such an interesting topic of conversation, word gets around.

Second, explore different surrogacy attorneys. For example, my attorney, often refers his clients to various surrogates in Florida and Georgia that he works with. If you have an attorney, check with him to see if he knows of any surrogates. If you don’t have an attorney yet, but know where you would want the baby to be born, find a surrogacy attorney in that area and check with them.

A third option is posting an ad or answering an ad on our free online message board:

Information on Surrogacy Classified Ads

And finally, if you would like to easily find a match and saving money is not your motivating force, you can go through a surrogacy agency.

I will caution you to make sure that you have exhausted all your research into the process BEFORE you begin matching. You want to know what is going on and how things work so that you do not inadvertently get taken advantage of, or feel as though you were taken advantage of (by a lawyer, clinic, agency or surrogate) at a later time.

Good luck with your journey! Best wishes!

Share Your Advice:

by chelsea schoettgen
(sonora,ca.)

Hi,
Have you ever worked with Surrogenesis in California? I’m suppose to fly down to La Jolla to have my first apt. I don’t really know what to expect on my first apt. How will they control my menstrual cycle to be in sync with my Ip’s egg donor? thanks

Reply by Rayven
Hi Chelsea,

I have not worked with Surrogenesis. There are hundreds of surrogacy agencies. Maybe another viewer has worked with them and can give you some feedback.

As far as how the clinic will sync you and the egg donor, you should already have been put on birth control pills. They will have you take these for several weeks/months and will have you “skip” certain days as you are approaching the transfer. You will also need to take daily injections of Lupron which will suppress your cycle. (You will give yourself the shots into your tummy area; the needles are small like a diabetic needle. This may be in combination with an estrogen shot into your hip every few nights, again, self administered.)

The combination of these two things will put you in sync with the egg donor.

Most clinics follow this or a similar protocol, though your experience may vary slightly.

Best wishes!

Share Your Advice:

by Rachel M.

My sister has had many miscarriages and one successful pregnancy. She is just about to turn 40 and she has been trying to have another baby for years now with no success. I am 28 years old and I have a child and have had one miscarriage. I wanted to extend the offer to be a surrogate mother for her but I’m wondering if, because of my miscarriage, I would be considered a viable option.
Thank you,
Rachel M.

Reply by Rayven

Having one miscarriage and going on to have subsequent children is very common. Personally, I lost my first pregnancy at 8 weeks. I went on to have two full-term, healthy children, and my two surrogacy pregnancies, a full-term set of twins as well as a full-term singleton.

If you have only had one miscarriage, this will not affect your ability to become a surrogate mother for your sister. Its when you have had 3-4 miscarriages that it would become a problem.

Best wishes!

Share Your Advice:

by clarissa
(loveland, co , US)

Surrogacy seems so wonderfull by all who talk about it. But I want to know about the Con’s to it because it cant be perfect. So what are the bad things? So I can make a full concious decition knowing the cons.

Reply by Rayven
Clarissa,

You’re very right. Not everything is sunshine and roses in surrogacy. Overall, if you go into it for the right reasons, and you make the right match, it can be a wonderful experience. But several factors can make it horrible as well.

First, matching with the right couple is paramount. Do not jump into a situation without knowing your intended parents or surrogate mother thoroughly. Find someone who feels the same way you do about issues that are important to you, watch for red flags, and do not compromise on things that you feel strongly about. That is the absolute best way to avoid disaster.

Things that go wrong: sometimes intended parents “forget” to pay medical bills, leaving a surrogate mother with hundreds or thousands of dollars in bills in her name, on her credit.

Sometimes personalities change after a pregnancy is achieved or a baby is born. Parents that are happy and open and generous become demanding, restrictive, and jealous.

Sometimes despite trying again and again and doing everything “right”, a pregnancy is simply not achieved. Sometimes there are miscarriages, sometimes there are stillborns.

Sometimes intended parents and surrogates do not feel it necessary to think about selective reduction, and then find themselves in a situation where it happens.

I could tell you a hundred horror stories, things like surrogates declaring bankruptcy, intended parents having to fight for months in court for their own children, intended mothers telling surrogates that the baby has died so they don’t have to let her visit, parents leaving babies at the hospital because they changed their minds.

But for every bad story, there are a thousand good ones.

Like everything in life, there is risk. But the rewards are great, and there are steps you can take to help prevent these bad things from happening to you. Namely, making a good match for the right reasons, and getting your own attorney who will represent you.

Best wishes!

by Mandy Mae
(USA)

My husband’s ex wife wants to be a surrogate for us. We’ve been married three years and he has a 10 year old daughter with his former wife. They have enjoyed a good friendship over the years as they have been divorced for more than 7 years.

What are your thoughts on this? She would be using my eggs, so the baby will be biologically mine.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. Yes, they have a good relationship, but is this situation ok? It feels sort of weird to me.

Thoughts?

Reply by Rayven
This is a tough situation, but the bottom line is what you are comfortable with. If this makes you feel odd, or uncomfortable, then this is not the right solution for you.

There are so many things an intended mother gives up with surrogacy, she should not be made to feel miserable during the journey as well.

If you are not uncomfortable with your husband’s ex-wife, per se, but are more uncomfortable with how people will think about the situation, then that’s different. Who cares what others think? They’re not going to understand surrogacy anyways.

But if this situation itself is setting off red flags, find someone else. You and your husband are very lucky to have such a woman in your lives, but that doesn’t mean she should carry your child.

Best wishes!