I want to be a surrogate for my daughter and son-in-law

by Barbara

I want to know if there is an age limit to become a surrogate. I am 67 years old and have a great desire to help my daughter and son-in-law become parents. I didn’t think of doing this before because I was overweight, diabetic and on blood pressuse medication. I have lost 84 lbs to date and my health is thriving. No need for diabetic meds and half dose of blood pressure and colestral meds.

My daughter has tried IVF at least eight times in the past 15-yrs with no success. Her sister even tried 2-times for her but was not successful either.

All of my pregancies were without any problems, except for a little morning sickness for the first three months. The longest labor I ever had was 4-hours and all babies were delivered vaginally.

I go to the pool 2-times a week for exercise and also use a recumbent bike a couple times a week.

Do you know of any IVF clinic that would accept someone my age?

Reply by Rayven
Many mothers are helping their sons and daughters become parents by offering to become a gestational surrogate mother for them. It is a very generous gift a mother can give to her own child.

It is, however, more and more uncommon as a mother/grandmother ages. Most mothers who offer this are in their 50’s or very early 60’s. IVF becomes uncommon for those in their late 60’s, with only a handful of clinics in the world willing to assist a woman in her late 60’s go through IVF. In fact, the oldest IVF mother to date (I believe) was 69.

Is it possible? Yes. Would it be difficult to accomplish? Yes. Are there clinics in the US willing to do it? I’m really not sure; you might need to go international, which would prove very difficult with surrogacy as each country has different laws regarding surrogacy, and its illegal in many countries. It will be very difficult for you to find a clinic that is willing to assist you.

My suggestion, if you would like to proceed with this, is first to get clearance from your GYN that you are capable of another pregnancy at your age, and then to research older IVF mothers online and find out what clinics they used. Go from there.

Keep in mind that there is a reason our bodies do not allow us to get pregnant again as we age. Its hard on them! And its risky for you, perhaps too risky. If your GYN does not feel that you would be capable of another successful pregnancy, please reconsider the possibility that perhaps an unrelated surrogate mother might be a better option for your family.

As always, best wishes to you!

Why is surrogacy so expensive?

We’re looking into surrogacy as an option for our family as we have had 4 miscarriages in the last 3 years. But we running into a wall with the sheer cost of surrogacy. Why is it so expensive? Are there any alternatives to paying all these fees?

Reply by Rayven:
Surrogacy is so expensive because of all the “middle men” and the various parts that make up surrogacy. Each entity wants their piece of pie.

For a typical gestational surrogacy, you have the following expenses:

–Surrogate’s fee
–Clinic fees (both egg retrieval and embryo transfer)
–Surrogate’s lawyer
–(possibly) egg donor fees
–(possibly) health insurance for surrogate
–Multiple miscellaneous pregnancy related expenses

The costs add up, fast. How do you trim those costs?

1. Find a surrogate on your own…no agency fees.
2. Find a surrogate with health insurance….no health insurance fees.
3. Find a surrogate with low fees…yes, they do exist!
4. Consider doing traditional surrogacy if you need an egg donor or if the costs are just too much for gestational surrogacy.

Fees involved in traditional surrogacy, matched independently:
-Surrogate’s fee ($15,000-25,000 on average)
-Lawyers’ fees (varies)
-Clinic/Meds (if you do home inseminations, this can be quite low)
-Miscellaneous pregnancy related expenses (if the surrogate has health insurance, these can be low as well)

For gestational surrogacy, you have to add in quite a bit for the clinic fees and medications, which can add tens of thousands to your total. And keep in mind, that if you have a failed transfer, you will have to do this part all over again.

Add in the cost of an agency…..

Surrogacy is not cheap. But, I will say that as the popularity grows, so will more affordable options. Not inexpensive options, but more competitive.

I have never been pregnant. Could I still be an Surrogate?

by Lydia

I have always wanted to be a Surrogate. I have never been pregnant before. Would someone still consider me as an Surrogate? IS there a way to become a Surrogate without the use of an organization?

Reply by Rayven
While it is very noble of you to consider becoming a surrogate mother, if you have never successfully given birth to a child before, you are not eligible to become a surrogate mother at this time.

This is for a number of reasons:

1. No Proven Fertility
Surrogacy is very expensive. Without demonstrating that you, yourself are fertile and capable of carrying a child, your intended parents would be taking a huge risk.

2. Unknown Feelings
Since you have never been pregnant, it is unknown how likely you will be to develop depression after the baby is born, and with no children of your own to come home to, you might experience unusually high levels of sadness when you give back the child.

3. Risks of Surrogacy
Surrogacy is risky. Anything can happen. It does happen that during a surrogate pregnancy a woman loses her ability to carry any further children. While this is sad for a woman whose family is already complete, it is devastating to one who plans on having more children.

Though it is wonderful for you to be thinking of such a generous gift now, you need to wait until you have completed your own family first.

Even with an independent surrogacy match (not going through an agency) you may find a couple to work with you, but their clinic would reject you. Wait. There will always (unfortunately) be more intended parents to help later.

Keeping in touch and compensation

by Eva

Two separate questions:
– A friend of mine had her child adopted. She gets a photo of the child twice a year and a small update, through her agency (ie her and adoptive parents don’t know eachother’s address etc).Is this possible with surrogacy?

– I keep reading of compensation for surrogates of around $20’000. Is this purely for “time and effort”? Ie, are the surrogate’s expenses (IVF, prenatal care, birth, medications, childcare for older kids during doctor visits etc) covered on top of that?

Reply by Rayven
Surrogacy is different than adoption. Surrogates and intended parents are in contact with one another, and need to get to know each other before starting a surrogacy arrangement. The agency would most likely NOT be the go between with pictures/updates. That would be handled directly between the surrogate and intended parents.

Often, surrogates request that intended parents keep in touch. Some specify in their contracts that they want pictures and updates on a regular basis. Many others prefer to let a more natural friendship take place.

As to compensation, surrogates are not compensated for time and effort. They are either compensated for pain and suffering or for prebirth child support. A surrogate is not responsible for any expense regarding the pregnancy or delivery of the intended parent’s child, including the IVF procedure (usually more pricey that the surrogate’s compensation!) and all her doctors bills. Any out of pocket expenses such as childcare should be reimbursed by the intended parents.

See the section on Compensation for a break down of how compensation in surrogacy works.

how can I be sure that my surrogate will take good care of her self and my baby?

by Angela Arcila
(new york)

just wandering on how are the parents able to now for sure that the surrogate mother they’ve choose is careful with her body,no drugs, takes vitamins, etc?

Reply by Rayven
Surrogacy is all about trust. That’s why I stress so much the importance of not jumping into it, or rushing during the matching phase.

The best way to know: don’t sign a contract until you are sure you’ve found the surrogate you can trust.

Find out everything you need to know in the beginning stages. Sure, you know that your surrogate (and you, for that matter) is on her best behavior, but look for the little things. A person who is not responsible will have small, telltale signs of it.

For instance, if she or someone in her home smokes, you should be able to pick up the scent of stale cigarette smoke on her clothing, in her hair, or in her car or home. This could be a sign that she is untrustworthy (if she said no one smokes).

As far as if she is going to do drugs, I’d say that if she is a responsible mother who takes care of her own children (who are in her custody, and appear reasonably healthy, and were not born as “drug babies”) you probably don’t have any cause to worry here.

You could always require drug testing throughout the pregnancy as well as during the matching phase, but be advised that many surrogates will be extremely offended by this. If this is something that you want to do, I would suggest mentioning it early on in the matching phase and getting it into the contract.

Personally, I really don’t feel it is a problem, especially after you get to know your surrogate. Why on earth would you ask someone you don’t trust to carry your child?

As far as taking care of her body, and taking her prenatals, the big thing to remember here is your surrogate has done this before. She has been pregnant, gone through it all, and given birth to at least one healthy child. She knows how to do it. She’ll do it again.

Bottom line, there is no real way to know for sure what your surrogate does when you are not around her. Just like there’s no way to know for sure what your husband is doing when you’re not around him. It is all a matter of trust.

Share Your Advice: