My wife and i are considering our options to start our family. I love kids and knew when i got into the relationship that she did not want to go through natural birth. I understand her side as her mother got diabetes from giving birth and my wife is scared to death of experiencing the same thing that she has seen and experienced through her mother. We are financially stable but are unsure of what costs are involved with this process. So i guess my questions are because my wife is fertile do we qualify? How do you select/find a surrogate mother? This website has made me much more comfortable with the surrogates but can i have some confirmation in terms of the screening process? Forgive my ignorance but how does this process work so that the child is actually biologically of my wife and me? Thanks so much…

Reply by Rayven

In most states, you do not have to qualify to become intended parents via surrogacy. Some states, however, such as Florida, do require you to have documented reasons why you are in need of a surrogate mother. Just “because” would not be a good enough reason for surrogacy in those states. You will need to consult with a surrogacy attorney in your particular state to determine these rules.

Many women have gestational diabetes while pregnant. Some are surrogates. This is usually a pregnancy-only condition that while not comfortable, is certainly survivable.

The costs with gestational surrogacy, which would be what you are looking for if you want your own biological child, start at around $35,000-40,000 on the very low side and can run upwards of $100,000+ per journey. This is taking into account all fees; surrogate, clinic, lawyer, etc.

If you are looking for a “screened” surrogate, I would suggest going with one of the hundreds of agencies around the country. They can match you with one that meets your needs.

Now for the bad news. If your wife is afraid (for lack of better words) of the pregnancy, wait until she learns what is required for the egg retrieval!

In order for her to have her own biological child via surrogacy, she will have to go through weeks and weeks of giving herself daily injections. These medications will make her feel out of whack, will make her tired, bloated, and uncomfortable. She will then need to go through a medical procedure where an ultrasound guided needed is inserted into the vagina, and the needle goes through the vaginal wall into her ovaries to get her eggs out.

She may end up suffering from a condition called OHSS where fluid leaves your blood stream and ends up in places it shouldn’t, like in your abdomen and around your lungs, leaving you dehydrated, really uncomfortable and might require hospital attention to get drained.

Though the more extreme cases of this are rare, it is quite common to get at least part of this disorder. This is temporary, however.

Honestly, I’d rather be pregnant!

If pregnancy is not for her, and this sounds like too much for her to undergo, I’d suggest looking into gestational surrogacy using an egg donor, or traditional surrogacy. Either way, though she would not be the biological mother, you would be the biological father.

Best wishes!

by Tina
(GA)

I am going to be a gestational surrogate for my brother and his wife. I have a feeling my brother is going to want to micro-manage my life (which I am expecting so I am fine with that).

I live in GA and they live in NC. I want them to be at the appointments and as involved as possible – it is there baby I am just helping out.

What I want to know is what happens after the procedure is done – is bed rest mandatory, is there any special precautions that need to be taken….

My husband is 100% supportive and my kids are excited. What generally happens once the procedure is done????

Thanks
Tina

Reply by Rayven

Tina,

Congrats on deciding to do such a wonderful thing for your brother! It’s great to have such a close-knit family; hopefully he won’t micromanage too much. It can be doubly annoying when you have pregnancy hormones present!

As far as what happens after a transfer, this will vary from clinic to clinic.

For example, the clinic I used has a 24-hour bedrest. What they asked is that I basically take it easy, getting up for only brief moments like going to the restroom, answering the door, etc. You do not have to lie flat on your back prone or anything.

Some clinics require up to three days of this sort of bedrest, while others do not have any provisions for bedrest whatsoever.

In addition, right after the transfer procedure itself, I was required to lay prone on the procedure table for 1-hour. This was uncomfortable as my clinic required that I had a full bladder at the time of transfer. Again, each clinic is different; some do not care about the full bladder thing, and some do not require you to lay prone for more than a few minutes.

As far as what sort of restrictions to expect, you will most likely be required to abstain from relations with your husband for a few weeks, possibly the entire first trimester. You may also be required to limit intense exercising of any sort, and will not be allowed to pick up more than 5-10 lbs at a time. This includes picking up your own children.

All in all, it’s not too restrictive, though it is probably more than you would be used to with your own pregnancies.

by Sakeitha
(Dallas,TX)

I am carrying twins for a couple, and due in 2 weeks. They have not been paying my doctors bills, lost wages, have some of lab bills in collections, and will not have my final payment when I deliver. I’m not sure what I can do.

Reply by Rayven
In an unfortunate situation like this, there is only one thing to do: contact your lawyer.

Is there a difference in the maternal bond? My husband and I want children but I don’t want to go thru pregnancies. The whole idea and thought of being pregnant scares me and horrified me. I suggested gestational surrogacy to him but he doesn’t want to because he feels he won’t have the same feelings toward the child as opposed to it coming out of me. I’m kinda scared I won’t love the child as much too. Is this a valid concern?

Reply by Rayven
What you are suggesting is illegal in many states that allow surrogacy. In these states, the intended mother must have a documented medical need for a surrogate mother.

It would also be extremely difficult to find a surrogate mother WILLING to assist you. There are so many intended parents out there who actually need a surrogate, not desire one for vanity reasons. To become a surrogate mother for a woman who does not need one, when there are thousands of parents desperate for a surrogate’s help, does not sit well with most surrogates, who see surrogacy as a gift from the heart.

As to your question, there is so much physically, emotionally, and financially that a set of intended parents goes through in order to become parents through surrogacy, that once you really start to research the process, you will most likely find that surrogacy is really not an option in your situation.

You cite fear as your reason for involving a surrogate.

For me, a $100,000 price tag would horrify me! Surrogacy is expensive. Though most intended parents do manage to have a child for less than this, it can take years, multiple cycles, and even multiple surrogates and contracts to get there. Lawyers, agencies, clinics, surrogate fees, travel, IVF medications, medical expenses. It adds up….FAST!

And physically, are you prepared to give yourself daily shots in order to prepare your body for the egg retrieval? How about the surgical procedure itself, which involves a very large needle, and a good deal of discomfort? Personally, I’d rather be pregnant.

And then, yes, there is a huge emotional aspect to surrogacy. The women who choose surrogacy do not do so on a whim, or because they are scared of life. They do it as a last resort, after years and years of infertility. Coming to terms, emotionally, with the fact that you will not be able to feel your baby move, to experience all the ups-and-downs of pregnancy, to know what it’s like to carry your own child….that is not an easy thing to do. These women are finally able to make peace with that in the understanding that the only way they will be able to hold their child is via surrogacy. Without that strife, I think it would be devastating emotionally.

And yes, if he thinks he will have trouble with it, and if you are wondering if you will love that child as much, then yes, absolutely, this should be a concern. Most intended parents don’t even question this, but again, most intended parents arrive at surrogacy as a last resort, not as an avoidance of life.

Bottom line, you can’t just order a baby because you’re scared. That is probably the worst reason on earth to find a surrogate, worse even than the few who look into surrogacy because they don’t want to get fat.

Why? Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you haven’t even begun to feel fear yet, not until you actually become a parent, and worry about your child. Parenting is a million times harder than pregnancy. My oldest turns 13 in the next year. You wanna talk horrified?

Your best bet is to seek professional counseling for your fears, and put the idea of surrogacy behind you, permanently.

by beth
(tn)

How much should i charge for a second time gest carrier journey. I had twins the first time, and asked for 24- could you tell me if 30 to 35 is normal for second time gest cariers?

Reply by Rayven
The amount a gestational surrogate mother asks for in fees is a very personal decision. It is quite common – expected even – that an experienced surrogate will ask for a larger compensation than a first time surrogate.

As to whether your fees are reasonable, there are a few things to consider. First, are you asking for $30K-35K as an all-inclusive amount, or is that before items such as multiples, bedrest, transfer fee, and invasive procedures are assessed?

Second, does your insurance cover surrogacy? If it does, a higher compensation is justified.

Are you working with an agency? Many agencies have guidelines for compensation for their surrogates, and are not very flexible (though some agencies are quite flexible).

And lastly, the downturn in the economy is making it more difficult for parents to afford surrogacy. Surrogate mothers are lowering their compensation to adjust for this.

On a personal note, my second time compensation was an all-inclusive compensation and was within the range you mentioned. I would not have done an itemized compensation for that amount; I would have felt it was too high.

The $30-35K range for a second time surrogate is on the high side of average, but not unreasonable. Be prepared to wait a little longer to get matched with the right intended parents.