Do we have to involve lawyers and go to court to do surrogacy?

by roseellen

my sister is having a baby for me & my girlfriend

i was told it was popssible that all we would have to do was
attend every doctor’s app & let her ogbyn know that i was going to be
the mother, that way when baby was born i would just sign the bith certificate & baby was legally our’s (:

i live in hawaii do you think thats possible? i realy dont want lawyers involved or attend court & the everything else…
with my sisters consent it makes sense i would have all rights?
pls help

Reply by Rayven

No, its not at all possible.

Though laws vary by state, I have never ever heard of a situation where a hospital is allowed to have “anyone” sign the birth certificate and take the baby out of the hospital. If something went wrong, that hospital would be liable for millions.

No, you absolutely, positively need legal representation and assistance.

This is your child we are talking about! Please don’t make decisions on her life based on hearsay. You could end up in a major legal situation.

All surrogacy arrangements need to go through the court system. Your lawyer will assist you with all the required documents and paperwork. And since this is a same-sex parenting situation as well, those added complications will also need professional representation.

If you want to have a baby via surrogacy, lawyers and court are just part of the mix. Its unavoidable.

Not the Birth Experience I Expected but Beautiful All the Same

…from a reader

There were two things I was sure of when I got pregnant. I was going to breastfeed my son and have a natural birth. Unfortunately, only one of these came to fruition, and it was not the way my son came into this world.

I was student teaching when I was pregnant and my boyfriend was working two jobs, so I didn’t exactly prepare for childbirth. I wanted to take the classes, but between time constraints and the fact that they cost around a hundred dollars, we never went through with it.

My boyfriend and I were avid readers of pregnancy and childbirth books, and the decision to go natural was easy; it was the best for my baby. Fortunately, I was able to realize that I couldn’t be stubborn with this.

As my due date approached, I discussed this with my doctor and we decided to go forward with my birth plan, but also be flexible. I went into the hospital early Monday morning, four days before my due date, with intense pain. I was timing my contractions and I felt I should go in. As soon as they hooked me up to the monitors the contractions stopped.

I saw my doctor that day and because of my pain we decided that if I didn’t go in before 7am on Tuesday that he would meet me there and induce me. After about 48 hours of pain, I thought this sounded like a deal.

As it turned out from 1 am until 4 am I timed the contractions and tried to face the pain at home. I figured there would be less temptation to get any drugs if I couldn’t get them. So eventually I was barely able to move during the contractions, so I decided to go to the hospital. I was in labor and contracting, but not dilating.

They hooked me up to Pitocin to speed up the process. In retrospect, this was a bad idea. At the time, I was just ready to have the baby. My pain got so severe that my blood pressure was skyrocketing every time I had a contraction.

Around 7 am I decided to take the epidural. Until my doctor came in and broke my water, I was feeling good. Then the pain returned. I started to feel like I should push, but was never told to. When I asked, the nurse said that I could push “a little”. I wasn’t sure what that meant. So I started to kind of push, but not intensely, to see what would happen.

Soon my doctor came back with news I didn’t want to hear, but was ready to hear: I was going to have a C-Section.

Knowing my son hadn’t dropped, and that a C-Section was a possibility, I figured that fifteen hours of pain, after starting to time at home, I was ready to finally have this baby. I was pumped with drugs that I welcomed with a smile on my face at this point. The pain was unbearable at this point.

One of my favorite memories of my operation was my boyfriend saying, “We, I see your uterus”. Talk about an intimate bonding experience.

My son was born a healthy 8 lbs 9 oz. He hadn’t dropped because the cord was around his neck and as he was being taking out of me, decided to poop. It was a good thing the doctor made the call to go with a C-Section.

The best pictures of me were on the operating table. I assume because of my lack of understanding that I had been cut open thanks to the drugs, and having my beautiful boy in front of my eyes. I was able to breastfeed almost immediately, which is something I found out afterwards can be a problem for women who had a C-Section.

The worst part was the day after, getting out of my bed in order to eat. The pain from surgery was horrible, and a reason why I want to try a VBAC the next time around. I would like to try again for the natural birth. I would also like to check out a birthing center, especially now that I know what to expect, but would have to look into the VBAC allowances.

I really have no regrets. The ends justify the means. The doctor and I did what we had to and it resulted in the birth of a wonderful little boy.

is it normal to get cold feet before becoming a surrogate mum?

i have been planning to become a traditional surrogate mum for quite some time.. and now the day is finally here and i think i mite be having 2nd thoughts.. i have been looking forward to being a surrogate mum so i don’t know where these feelings r coming from. i know i still want to do it, but i keep asking myself if i will regret it or if something will go wrong. i guess i’m just asking has anyone else had these feelings before becoming a surrogate mum? is it normal? and did u go through with it? thanks, any advice will help heaps!!

Reply by Rayven
Becoming a traditional surrogate mother is huge. Unlike women like me who are gestational surrogates, a traditional surrogate mother gives her own eggs, her own actual baby to the intended parents to raise. It is most definitely NOT for everyone.

It is very important at this stage, so soon before your attempts begin, that you have someone to talk to. Do you have close friends who would understand if you talked this thing through? Or perhaps a medical professional? Counseling should be covered by your intended parents in your contract. If it is unclear, speak to your attorney about it.

Do not go into this with these feelings. See if they can be worked out, and if not, maybe surrogacy is not right for you. Yes, it would be uncomfortable to get to this point in a journey and change your mind, but it is preferable that you do so now, and not while pregnant with someone else’s baby.

Many surrogate mothers DO regret it. And unfortunately, this is not something you can go back and change after its done.

On a personal note, I have never had any cold feet, never felt an instant’s hesitation with any part of the process. But then, I am a gestational surrogate. Traditional surrogacy is very very different.

You need to talk with someone. Please do so.

Best wishes to you!

I was Adopted, but I didn’t want to Adopt

…from a reader

I was adopted as a child, my parents decided to adopt because they were getting older and couldn’t afford expensive fertility treatments. When I started dating and finally met the right guy we we’re married with the hopes that we could later have children.

My husband has great job benefits and we wanted to have kids as soon as possible. So we started about a year after we got married, I was off birth control and having a great time with the intent to conceive. I got my hopes up each time I reached for a pregnancy test.

Each month that passed I felt more and more anxious. I never knew my birth mother so I wasn’t sure of her genetics or what problems she had that I could inherit. It seemed that everywhere I went there were babies – babies at the grocery store, the mall, strollers up and down every sidewalk. I would turn on the TV and see nothing but commercials about diapers or baby formula.

To make things worse it seemed that all of my friends were having kids or getting pregnant. One close friend of mine got pregnant on accident and was bragging about how pleasant of a surprise it was. I was jealous and had what I would call “Baby Fever”.

After a year and a half of futile efforts my husband and I were persuaded to visit a fertility doctor. After a few tests he determined that my body wasn’t producing enough eggs and my uterine lining was too thin to support the environment of a fetus.

I was crushed and found myself moping about the house. Of course I could still adopt kids if I wanted to, we were both stable and qualified to adopt. It’s just that I wanted my child to have a birth mother and father. I never had the chance to know mine and wanted to pass on my and my husband’s family heritage.

We had several treatments from the doctor. I was prodded, poked, injected, and had to take several pill “cocktails”. My family was concerned and thought that it wasn’t “natural” what I was doing. They assumed I was trying to fool “mother nature”. All I wanted was kids and I was willing to do anything to get them.

After a year and a half of expensive and draining treatment I had bothered to stop testing myself to see if I was pregnant. A month or two later I noticed I was sick in my stomach in the mornings and my period was late.

Nervousness and anticipation crawled around in the back of my head as I waited for that little stick to let me know if I could achieve my dream. In my excitement I gave the stick to my husband and waited for him to read me the results. With baited breath he announced that we were a positive. I could feel a relief rush through my body and my heart beating a thousand miles a minute.

Finally I was able to go shopping for little baby booties and participate in the great selection of a crib and baby toys. I’d be able to paint what would be the “babies” room. Little did I know my fertility treatment would bless me with twins considering I had started to release more than one egg. I didn’t mind though because I considered it to be a makeup for the three years I desperately tried to get pregnant.

I’m extremely happy with my decision to use fertility treatment to help me. I guess if the treatment didn’t end up working I’d eventually adopt or attempt surrogacy. I’ve always wanted children, and now I feel so blessed to have that gift.

Does my blood have to match for my baby to be carried in someone else?

by Heather
(Fredericksburg, VA)

I have had 3 miscarriages. I’m ready to become a mother. My Question is my friend has offered to carry for me.My heart breaks everytime my period is late or different. I would love to carry my baby myself but I can’t seem to carry to term and it’s killing me. I’m ready now for a baby.

Reply by Rayven

Usually, the blood type of a surrogate mother does not need to match an intended mother in order for a surrogacy to occur.

Occasionally, an intended mother may have a medical condition which requires specific blood types, but these intended mothers are aware of this requirement based on their own fertility efforts.

Speak with your fertility specialist.

Best wishes!