what to do if the intended parents don’t follow the contract or don’t pay the surrogate?

by Sakeitha

I am carrying twins for a couple, and due in 2 weeks. They have not been paying my doctors bills, lost wages, have some of lab bills in collections, and will not have my final payment when I deliver. I’m not sure what I can do.

Reply by Rayven
In an unfortunate situation like this, there is only one thing to do: contact your lawyer.

I’m scared of being pregnant. Can I get a surrogate?

Is there a difference in the maternal bond? My husband and I want children but I don’t want to go thru pregnancies. The whole idea and thought of being pregnant scares me and horrified me. I suggested gestational surrogacy to him but he doesn’t want to because he feels he won’t have the same feelings toward the child as opposed to it coming out of me. I’m kinda scared I won’t love the child as much too. Is this a valid concern?

Reply by Rayven
What you are suggesting is illegal in many states that allow surrogacy. In these states, the intended mother must have a documented medical need for a surrogate mother.

It would also be extremely difficult to find a surrogate mother WILLING to assist you. There are so many intended parents out there who actually need a surrogate, not desire one for vanity reasons. To become a surrogate mother for a woman who does not need one, when there are thousands of parents desperate for a surrogate’s help, does not sit well with most surrogates, who see surrogacy as a gift from the heart.

As to your question, there is so much physically, emotionally, and financially that a set of intended parents goes through in order to become parents through surrogacy, that once you really start to research the process, you will most likely find that surrogacy is really not an option in your situation.

You cite fear as your reason for involving a surrogate.

For me, a $100,000 price tag would horrify me! Surrogacy is expensive. Though most intended parents do manage to have a child for less than this, it can take years, multiple cycles, and even multiple surrogates and contracts to get there. Lawyers, agencies, clinics, surrogate fees, travel, IVF medications, medical expenses. It adds up….FAST!

And physically, are you prepared to give yourself daily shots in order to prepare your body for the egg retrieval? How about the surgical procedure itself, which involves a very large needle, and a good deal of discomfort? Personally, I’d rather be pregnant.

And then, yes, there is a huge emotional aspect to surrogacy. The women who choose surrogacy do not do so on a whim, or because they are scared of life. They do it as a last resort, after years and years of infertility. Coming to terms, emotionally, with the fact that you will not be able to feel your baby move, to experience all the ups-and-downs of pregnancy, to know what it’s like to carry your own child….that is not an easy thing to do. These women are finally able to make peace with that in the understanding that the only way they will be able to hold their child is via surrogacy. Without that strife, I think it would be devastating emotionally.

And yes, if he thinks he will have trouble with it, and if you are wondering if you will love that child as much, then yes, absolutely, this should be a concern. Most intended parents don’t even question this, but again, most intended parents arrive at surrogacy as a last resort, not as an avoidance of life.

Bottom line, you can’t just order a baby because you’re scared. That is probably the worst reason on earth to find a surrogate, worse even than the few who look into surrogacy because they don’t want to get fat.

Why? Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you haven’t even begun to feel fear yet, not until you actually become a parent, and worry about your child. Parenting is a million times harder than pregnancy. My oldest turns 13 in the next year. You wanna talk horrified?

Your best bet is to seek professional counseling for your fears, and put the idea of surrogacy behind you, permanently.

How much does it cost for an experienced surrogate?

by beth

How much should i charge for a second time gest carrier journey. I had twins the first time, and asked for 24- could you tell me if 30 to 35 is normal for second time gest cariers?

Reply by Rayven
The amount a gestational surrogate mother asks for in fees is a very personal decision. It is quite common – expected even – that an experienced surrogate will ask for a larger compensation than a first time surrogate.

As to whether your fees are reasonable, there are a few things to consider. First, are you asking for $30K-35K as an all-inclusive amount, or is that before items such as multiples, bedrest, transfer fee, and invasive procedures are assessed?

Second, does your insurance cover surrogacy? If it does, a higher compensation is justified.

Are you working with an agency? Many agencies have guidelines for compensation for their surrogates, and are not very flexible (though some agencies are quite flexible).

And lastly, the downturn in the economy is making it more difficult for parents to afford surrogacy. Surrogate mothers are lowering their compensation to adjust for this.

On a personal note, my second time compensation was an all-inclusive compensation and was within the range you mentioned. I would not have done an itemized compensation for that amount; I would have felt it was too high.

The $30-35K range for a second time surrogate is on the high side of average, but not unreasonable. Be prepared to wait a little longer to get matched with the right intended parents.

can i still be a surrogate if im a single mom and on government assitance?

i already have a healthy 3 yr old son and im raising him alone. i want to be a surrogate but im on government assistance, is it still possible?

Reply by Rayven
Being a single mom is OK, as long as you have a support system in place, but a surrogate mother cannot be on government assistance for quite a few reasons.

1. If you are receiving compensation for being a surrogate mother, this will reduce or eliminate your government assistance.

2. It gets tricky with medical bills as using Medicaid for a surrogate pregnancy is fraud, and purchasing a policy for a surrogate mother is expensive.

3. Money is never guaranteed in surrogacy. Having someone in a life-stage who is in great need of the money who may not get any money is not a good idea. You could devote 1-2 years of your life with surrogacy without ever being compensated a cent.

4. There are negative connotations with surrogacy which imply that “rich” people take advantage of “poor” surrogates. A surrogate on public assistance supports this negativity.

At this point in your life, surrogacy is probably not the best option for you, but it might be at some time in the future.

Best wishes!

can i be a surrogate in the us if i live in the uk?

by Natalie
(Wale, UK )

I am currently living in the uk and would really love to be a surrogate but with law here it is very difficult. Really want to help someone have there own family and was wondering if i could be a surrogate in America if i don’ live in the country??

Reply by Rayven
Unfortunately, what you are describing is a logistical nightmare and might not even be legal (you need to check with an American attorney in the state you would be delivering in).

Do you qualify to stay in the US legally for upwards of a year? If not, then no, you could not be a surrogate in the US.

Are you planning on moving to America, at your own expense? If not, then no, you could not be a surrogate in the US. A set of intended parents would not be willing to fly you out here and provide you with living expenses IN ADDITION TO compensation. It just makes no sense when they can get an American surrogate for a lot less money.

Do you have family and a support system in the United States? Where? Every surrogate needs an in-person support system. Do you have one already over here? Family, friends, other surrogates.

Are you willing to uproot your children? Are they willing/able to spend a year or more in America going to school here? Are they legally allowed to do so?

These are just a few of the very basic issues you would have. If you are married, does your spouse think this is a good idea? America is going through a recession right now; would he have a job over here to come to? Can he legally work in the US?

Add to that the fact that I’m really not even sure you CAN legally be a surrogate and sign a contract here (not sure you can’t, either, check with a lawyer).

Hope this helps!