by Molly E.
Every since I was in my teen years, I knew I wanted a big family. A perfect husband, a nice house, and 4 or 5 kids running around; that was my dream.
Well I found the perfect boyfriend early, when I had just turned 18, he turned into the perfect fiancé by the time I was 20, and we were perfect married a little after my 21st birthday. My life at that time was perfect.
My husband and I had finished college, we had a generous amount of money saved up and put a down payment on a house. At that time I felt that life was only going to get better. Somewhere in between moving into our new house and my husband starting his new job, we started trying to a baby.
I was under the impression that I would become pregnant right away. That is what I thought happened with everyone. During high school teens are taught that without protection girls will get pregnant, so that’s what I thought.
My 23rd birthday reared it’s head, and I was still childless. I realized how much time had passed by and started researching fertility specialists. My husband thought it was pointless and assumed that nothing was wrong.
I made an appointment with an OB/GYN that also specializes in fertility treatments. On my first appointment I had an ultrasound done due to an enlarged uterus felt during the initial exam. Right away the doctor noticed a mass that was attached to one of my ovaries. The doctor told me that he could try and remove the mass without taking the ovary with, but he couldn’t guarantee it.
After my laparotomy I was informed that the ovary couldn’t be saved, but my other one was healthy and my tubes looked good. I was in panic mode. I wanted a lot of children, and if not, at least 1. I felt like I was being punished and I couldn’t understand why.
The doctor tried to calm me by letting me know that the chance of becoming pregnant with just one ovary is the same with have both. I was still worried though because I felt like something might happen where I would have to have the other one removed.
My doctor had also diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in which the ovaries have small cysts and don’t function correctly.
After I was healed from surgery I started taking a medication called Metformin. It’s mainly used for diabetes, but can be used to jump-start ovulation in PCOS patients. I took it for 3 months and had no results, not to mention the horrible side effects it had on my stomach.
My Dr’s next suggestion was to take the ovulation inducing drug, Clomid. I was started on it and took it for 4 cycles. I successfully ovulated during my second and third cycles, but didn’t become pregnant.
By then I was truly irritated. I was turned 24, which meant that if within 3 months I wasn’t pregnant, I would have children until after I was 25. To me it was a big deal, to my husband, not so much.
My husband’s lack of support was what took the biggest toll on me. He did want children, just not as badly as I did. To me it was the end of the world. He had told me before that he didn’t care if I was infertile, as long as he still had me. I should have taken comfort in knowing that, but I just couldn’t. It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that while I generally spent every waking moment thinking about babies, they hardly mattered to him.
After the Clomid failed, I tried hormone injections and started ovulating with almost every cycle. But the problem still remained, I didn’t get pregnant.
Another year had passed and the doctor was convinced that we needed to try Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). Being a fairly safe and simple procedure, we tried 3 times, but nothing happened. I felt totally helpless.
I wanted to consider adoption, but a stupid mistake my husband had made when he was 18 years old had landed him a year in jail, and a mark on his record and so we were not eligible. I secretly thought about divorcing him because of it. I felt like he was holding me back and was to blame. I loved him to death, and we are still together today, but infertility does strange and unexplainable things to people.
We ended up trying Invitro Fertilization (IVF) twice, but being as infertile as I am, I never became pregnant. My doctor urges me not to give up, but the journey has taken an emotional toll on me and I have begun to accept the sad fact that I may never have children.
At times I am content with my life and am happy to have nieces and nephews that fill the void, but in the back of my mind I am always hoping that a miracle will happen. I am 29 years old and my husband is 32.
We would like to have a baby by surrogacy, but the cost involved is more than our budget will allow. I hope and pray daily that my infertility be cured and that anyone else who is suffering be cured as well.