Can I be a surrogate and pregnant with my own at the same time

by chrissy
(enterprise, al usa)

I have had 2 kids and my best friend has had 3 but had her tubes snipped. now her and her new husband want a child and my spouse and i want another child. is it possible for her to carry or for me to carry both??

Reply by Rayven
Let me answer your first question: Is it possible for your friend, who has previously had three children of her own, but had a tubal ligation, to have more children of her own, or would she need a surrogate mother?

If the only reason she is looking into surrogacy is the fact that she has had a tubal, then she does not need a surrogate mother. She can go through IVF and carry and deliver her own child. Many surrogate mothers have had tubals, myself included. I had a tubal 10 years ago and have had 4 surrogate babies since.

But if there are other issues with her health or fertility that will make having a surrogate mother necessary, then no, you cannot carry her child and your own child at the same time.

This would not be a healthy situation.

First off, carrying multiples is difficult. There is a greater chance of you experiencing complications, putting both you and the babies in unneeded danger.

Then there is the fact that surrogacy is horribly expensive. In addition to the egg retrieval and the thousands of dollars spent on that for your friend, the costs would be duplicated for you to go through that. You would be placed on medications to stimulate the release of your eggs (lots of meds, including injections) then they would be retrieved via a large needle through your uterus. The eggs would then be inseminated with your husband’s sperm in a laboratory and the resulting embryos then transferred back into your womb.

All of this, of course, completely unnecessary for you, because you do not need to go through IVF to become pregnant. It would be physically and financially draining. And, who would pay for it? You, who does not need the procedure, or your friend, who is already paying tens of thousands, if not over a hundred thousand dollars for the entire journey?

Now let’s say that for whatever reason, you decided to go through all this and found a doctor to do it (that would most likely be your biggest challenge). You put in one embryo of your friend’s, and one of your own. What happens if only one takes? You would not know until the child was born and the results of the DNA testing came back if you were the mother or your friend would be the mother. Someone goes home with a baby, and someone else does not. And again, who pays for all this?

Could you go through 9 months of carrying a baby not knowing if it was your child or not?

Even if you carried twins, you still wouldn’t know for sure if both embryos took or if one split and the other did not make it until DNA testing. And even if they both took, you’d sit around wondering whose baby was whose for days. Logistically, this situation would be a nightmare.

In your situation, surrogacy is probably not needed. Have your friend talk to her doctor about her ability to carry another child.

can i be a surrogate for my brother and his wife?

by Missy
(Charlotte )

my brother’s new wife can’t have children. i want to know if medically, can i carry a baby for my biological brother. would it be insestial for me to carry my brothers baby? it would of course be her egg and his sperm. i would only carry the baby. is it possible?

Reply by Rayven
Yes, it is completely possible (and common) to act as a gestational surrogate mother for a family member without involving incest.

The baby is the biological child of your brother and his wife, not you and your brother. You being their surrogate would be the same as them having any other surrogate mother.

What would not be possible, and would in fact be incest, is if you were a traditional surrogate mother for them, using his sperm and your eggs.

You are a wonderful sister for considering this for them!

Best wishes.

A Fertility Story in Progress

…from a reader

My husband and I are trying to conceive our first child. We are both in our late twenties. About two or three years ago, I decided to stop using hormonal birth control, which for me was the Nuvaring.

Initially I had really liked using Nuvaring, but before I quit, I was experiencing terrible mood swings and acne. At that time, my husband and I were still not ready for a child, so we used condoms.

My cycles were very irregular with some of them over 60 days long. My cycles finally started normalizing about a year ago and now range from 30 to 45 days.

We began trying for a baby thirteen months ago after I received an okay from my doctor. She said that I was healthy and that she wouldn’t be surprised if it happened right away.

The first few months, I was very excited and couldn’t wait until the end of my cycle so that I could test for pregnancy. I was noticing that my breasts were sore or that I was having more cramping than normal. I would notice a little bit of spotting and wonder if it was implantation bleeding.

Unfortunately, I haven’t received a positive test yet. Now that I’ve passed the official 12-month infertility mark, my mood has changed. Instead of being excited to see the results, frankly, I’m depressed. I think back to all of the difficulty I experienced when I stopped using Nuvaring and wonder if I’m even ovulating at all.

Even though my cycle length is more normal, about a week before my period, I spot continuously. After crying to my wonderful husband, he convinced me to be more proactive. I decided to try the supplement Vitex and a more regular exercise schedule, walking alone three times a week and run-walking with my husband three times a week.

My husband is taking L-carnitine and L-arginine to improve sperm quality. I am trying to improve my diet, but the recommendations are varied. I’ve heard that full-fat dairy everyday helps, but then I’ve also read that a low-fat diet is best. I had been a vegetarian, but I decided to start consuming small amounts of meat from grass-fed animals, about four ounces or less, and wild-caught salmon every week. My thinking is that maybe I’m deficient in nutrients found in animal meat.

I found a copy of Toni Weschler’s Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and have started checking my cervical mucus daily to improve our timing. I’m on cycle day 19 and no fertile cervical mucus yet. Either I’m ovulating late this month or not at all.

I’ve been taking this very hard because my mom was able to get pregnant at my age, 29, one month after quitting birth control, and my sister got unexpectedly pregnant at 20 and has had two more children.

I’m not ready to go back to my doctor. I’m embarrassed that I haven’t been able to get pregnant on my own yet. I feel like less of a woman sometimes, like a woman without reproductive organs. I’m hoping that the Vitex will come around and work its magic. In the meantime, I’ve decided to allow myself to have a gigantic piece of cake every time I get my period to keep my spirits up.

I think that eventually I will see my doctor again after I’ve given my recent changes a few more months. I think that I would be willing to take medication, but would probably not be open to any invasive treatments such as IVF. If we get that far, we will probably try to embrace our situation or consider adoption.

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Babies leaving the hospital

Hi, I am currently a surrogate carrying twins for my cousin and her husband and due to have a c section next week, what I’m wanting to know is once the babies are born and if everything is ok will they just be allowed to leave the hospital with there intended parents? Obviously I will have to stay in the hospital to recover from the c section but I wouldn’t want the babies staying with me for nearly 3 days if it can be helped??? I’m just a bit curious to know if there’s any legalities that were going to come across???

Reply by Rayven
Your lawyer should have filed your prebirth order and/or legal documents allowing the parents of the children to make all decisions regarding their welfare (including taking them home) long before now. This is generally done at about 30-32 weeks. Please contact your lawyer about the specifics regarding your state and the hospital you are working with.

Most likely, the babies will not be in the room with you. Most hospitals will allow the parents their own room, as long as they have space, and the baby will not be in your room at all. So there really should be no concerns over timing.

As to how the hospital will handle it, you never really know. Make sure you have your attorney’s phone number on you. My first surrogacy went fine. The hospital had it all together. The twins stayed in a room with their parents, they checked out a day later than me, everything went great.

The second surrogacy, at the exact same hospital, it was like the hospital had never heard of surrogacy before. They made me sign the baby out, at which point I handed him to his parents and we got into different cars and drove away.

The third surrogacy, at a different hospital, went fine as well. No issues at all. I checked out less than a day after the birth and the baby checked out the next morning.

All three times I had to meet with a social worker at the hospital and sign some papers. One social worker treated me oddly, asking me things like was I sure I wanted to do this, that kind of thing, while looking at me with pity. One social worker acted like it was her first day on the job and she had no idea what to do. The other social worker was completely comfortable and had no problems.

You just don’t know what you will get.

And if the people at the hospital tell you something differently than your lawyer did, call him. Even if it is 11pm. Call him. That’s why he is there.