by Angela Arcila
(new york)
any surrogacy centers that are reliable and can be trusted?
how long after the birth process will the baby separate from the surrogate mom and be given to the biological mom?
my biggest fear is that after all the process is completed the surrogate mom may want to keep the baby even if the baby isnot biologically connected to her. Can this happen?

Reply by Rayven

As far as surrogacy clinics go, this is a decision you will need to make depending on where you live, where your surrogate lives, what clinics you are comfortable with, etc.

As to your other concerns, they are understandable in an intended parent. Let me tell you about how it works in America (NOT Great Britain), in Gestational Surrogacy, in states where surrogacy is legal.

First off, if you have a good attorney draw up your contract, and the baby is born in a state where surrogacy is legal, it would be nearly impossible for the surrogate mother to suddenly decide to keep the child and legally be allowed to do so. I say nearly impossible, because if there was a concern about the safety of the home the baby was going to (for example, other children in the intended parent’s home had been removed by child services, etc) then the baby might not come home with the intended parents. But even then, it is likely that the baby would not go home with the surrogate either, but would be placed in state care.

Though this is a big concern for most intended parents, it is actually much more common for intended parents to decide they don’t want the baby and leave him for the surrogate to deal with! (Yes, this has happened!)

It is very, very rare for a surrogate to “change her mind” and decide to keep a surrogate baby. In the event that she does, she might be able to take the child from the hospital, but legally and biologically, the child is yours, and the courts would side with you. This is not adoption; a surrogate does not have the same rights. In fact, she has no legal rights to the child at all. Would it be messy? Yes. A legal battle? Perhaps. But the child is yours.

The baby is not “taken” from the surrogate in the hospital. In most situations, the hospital is aware of what is happening and the intended parents are in the delivery room (though this is up to the surrogate in ALL situations). When born, the intended parents are allowed to cut the cord, and are the first to hold the baby. Often, the hospital has provided a separate room for the new parents to room in with their baby, so they have immediate parentship of the child. In some situations, the hospital is not as informed, and the intended parents hang out with the surrogate or keep the baby in the nursery until he has been released.

Some states will allow you to be placed on the birth certificate immediately, and in the hospital you are legally the parents. Other states require the surrogate to be on the birth certificate until it is later changed in court, and she personally has to sign the baby out of the hospital.

I know this is all very scary right now. I cannot even pretend to imagine what it must feel like to have gone through years of infertility and suddenly have to trust a virtual stranger to care for the most important thing in your life. What intended parents have to do to become parents is very humbling to a surrogate. My suggestion to you is to take your time matching, find someone you feel you can trust, and if these concerns keep cropping up in your mind, find an experienced surrogate who has done this before. Knowing she has experience giving back a baby can go a long way towards easing these feelings.

Best wishes!

Are you considering taking the steps to become a surrogate mother? Do you feel as though you have completed your own family? If your answer to this last question is a no, I don’t recommend that you become a surrogate. Read on to find out why.

Deciding to become a surrogate mother is a grand thing to do. It is an act of sacrifice that you make to help another family by helping them to build their family. However, you should make sure that before you help another family complete their family, that your own family is complete.

Let’s face it – every pregnancy could involve risks. One unfortunate result of pregnancy can be infertility. Some women lose their uterus. Others are informed by their doctors that to become pregnant again could pose a serious threat to their life. And often, there was no prior indicator that this would be the case. The woman was perfectly healthy. The same can happen with surrogacy pregnancies.

I hate to sound melodramatic, but the honest truth that any pregnancy that a surrogate mother achieves may end up being her last. She could experience complications that lead to a hysterectomy. She could have an incorrectly performed c-section that renders her unable to carry another child. Although it is not the norm, the possibility is still there. So imagine the pain that the surrogate mother would feel if she was then unable to complete her own family. If you have already completed your family, this may be a risk you are more willing to take. However, if you have not, I would urge you to reconsider.

Sometimes, women who have not yet competed their families before becoming a surrogate find themselves in a position where they are having to use a surrogate themselves due to pregnancy complications. This can be avoided by one simple measure – wait until you are sure that you do not want any more children of your own before you become a surrogate. In fact, many intended parents prefer surrogate mothers who have already finished building their families for this reason. They don’t want to have to deal with the guilt if someone was rendered infertile in their quest to help their family. It also may help to ease the intended parents minds when it comes to the surrogate having second thought during birth. Knowing that the surrogate mother will not feel as though they are missing out by giving the child to the intended parent can allay any doubts the intended parents may have. Especially if the surrogate is a traditional surrogate as opposed to a gestational surrogate in which the child is not biologically hers.

Surrogacy agencies generally prefer those who want to become a surrogate mother to be finished with building the families before pursuing surrogacy. As you can see, it makes sense for this to be a requirement. So, my advice to anyone who wants to become a surrogate mother is to make sure that you do not want to have any more children over your own before you commit.

by wondering…

I’m kinda nervous about asking this. I mean no disrespect. But how exactly does a surrogate get pregnant? Does she, um, well, “do it” with the dad? And everybody’s OK with this???

I probably shouldn’t ask. But there’s so much about surrogates these days and I just don’t know! I’m not a perv or anything, just really curious.

Sorry again.

Reply by Rayven

LOL. Honestly, I wondered how long it would take for someone to ask this question. My husband claims that people ask him all the time if I have been unfaithful in order to become a surrogate mother and help another family.

No, no “hanky panky” occurs with surrogacy. That’s not called surrogacy, that’s called swinging!

There are two forms of surrogacy: traditional and gestational.

In traditional surrogacy, a surrogate is impregnated with sperm from the intended father through artificial insemination. This is the old “turkey baster” method that you are probably familiar with. The surrogate is the biological mother of the child and will sign over her parental rights to the intended parents.

The second form of surrogacy, gestational surrogacy, requires a medical procedure. Eggs are retrieved from the intended mother and then fertilized with sperm from the intended father in a lab. The resulting embryos are then transfered into the surrogate mother.

The only person who needs to be present for either method of conception is the surrogate! The parents do not have to be there; they can be in a different room, state, or country!

Best wishes!

My wife and i are considering our options to start our family. I love kids and knew when i got into the relationship that she did not want to go through natural birth. I understand her side as her mother got diabetes from giving birth and my wife is scared to death of experiencing the same thing that she has seen and experienced through her mother. We are financially stable but are unsure of what costs are involved with this process. So i guess my questions are because my wife is fertile do we qualify? How do you select/find a surrogate mother? This website has made me much more comfortable with the surrogates but can i have some confirmation in terms of the screening process? Forgive my ignorance but how does this process work so that the child is actually biologically of my wife and me? Thanks so much…

Reply by Rayven

In most states, you do not have to qualify to become intended parents via surrogacy. Some states, however, such as Florida, do require you to have documented reasons why you are in need of a surrogate mother. Just “because” would not be a good enough reason for surrogacy in those states. You will need to consult with a surrogacy attorney in your particular state to determine these rules.

Many women have gestational diabetes while pregnant. Some are surrogates. This is usually a pregnancy-only condition that while not comfortable, is certainly survivable.

The costs with gestational surrogacy, which would be what you are looking for if you want your own biological child, start at around $35,000-40,000 on the very low side and can run upwards of $100,000+ per journey. This is taking into account all fees; surrogate, clinic, lawyer, etc.

If you are looking for a “screened” surrogate, I would suggest going with one of the hundreds of agencies around the country. They can match you with one that meets your needs.

Now for the bad news. If your wife is afraid (for lack of better words) of the pregnancy, wait until she learns what is required for the egg retrieval!

In order for her to have her own biological child via surrogacy, she will have to go through weeks and weeks of giving herself daily injections. These medications will make her feel out of whack, will make her tired, bloated, and uncomfortable. She will then need to go through a medical procedure where an ultrasound guided needed is inserted into the vagina, and the needle goes through the vaginal wall into her ovaries to get her eggs out.

She may end up suffering from a condition called OHSS where fluid leaves your blood stream and ends up in places it shouldn’t, like in your abdomen and around your lungs, leaving you dehydrated, really uncomfortable and might require hospital attention to get drained.

Though the more extreme cases of this are rare, it is quite common to get at least part of this disorder. This is temporary, however.

Honestly, I’d rather be pregnant!

If pregnancy is not for her, and this sounds like too much for her to undergo, I’d suggest looking into gestational surrogacy using an egg donor, or traditional surrogacy. Either way, though she would not be the biological mother, you would be the biological father.

Best wishes!

by Tina
(GA)

I am going to be a gestational surrogate for my brother and his wife. I have a feeling my brother is going to want to micro-manage my life (which I am expecting so I am fine with that).

I live in GA and they live in NC. I want them to be at the appointments and as involved as possible – it is there baby I am just helping out.

What I want to know is what happens after the procedure is done – is bed rest mandatory, is there any special precautions that need to be taken….

My husband is 100% supportive and my kids are excited. What generally happens once the procedure is done????

Thanks
Tina

Reply by Rayven

Tina,

Congrats on deciding to do such a wonderful thing for your brother! It’s great to have such a close-knit family; hopefully he won’t micromanage too much. It can be doubly annoying when you have pregnancy hormones present!

As far as what happens after a transfer, this will vary from clinic to clinic.

For example, the clinic I used has a 24-hour bedrest. What they asked is that I basically take it easy, getting up for only brief moments like going to the restroom, answering the door, etc. You do not have to lie flat on your back prone or anything.

Some clinics require up to three days of this sort of bedrest, while others do not have any provisions for bedrest whatsoever.

In addition, right after the transfer procedure itself, I was required to lay prone on the procedure table for 1-hour. This was uncomfortable as my clinic required that I had a full bladder at the time of transfer. Again, each clinic is different; some do not care about the full bladder thing, and some do not require you to lay prone for more than a few minutes.

As far as what sort of restrictions to expect, you will most likely be required to abstain from relations with your husband for a few weeks, possibly the entire first trimester. You may also be required to limit intense exercising of any sort, and will not be allowed to pick up more than 5-10 lbs at a time. This includes picking up your own children.

All in all, it’s not too restrictive, though it is probably more than you would be used to with your own pregnancies.